New BFL Rule Proposals Voted Down

Wes Welker's points will be reduced by 80%.  The BFL scoring system is not able to handle Welker's totals. He is ruining the league. (Passed 13-1, but unanimous vote needed to pass a rule mid season)

No Mas level increased to $1000.  (Passed, but vetoed by commissioner.)

Those ignoring trade requests will wear ankle bracelets and check in with the commissioner daily to prove they actually exist. (Passed 9-4, but when noted that surveillance equipment would raise dues to $400 per team, it was defeated.)  

Half-naked women will not appear on BFL Weekly Report. (Defeated 14-0. No record of who made the proposal)

If your star player is injured, you get to use his corresponding weekly stats from the previous season. (Tabled)

Tony Romo should have a point deducted every time he does something stupid. (Defeated 14-0 after it was determined that it would bring the weekly league average down to 10.5  points and Romo's owner would no mas in week 2.)

Weekly. As Promised.

So it's Friday and I'm just getting around to putting up The BFL Weekly Report.  If you were wondering why, or were possibly concerned about the absence of a post, I humbly thank you.

Why so late? I was as fragile as a half-time lead by the Vikings earlier in the week.  The EastSide Gas are being directly pumped into the netherlands of the Kingdom of No Mas.

But, I'm over it now. I've returned the rope and stool to Home Depot and I can resume blogging about the BFL. 

So what do I see after facing the world of fantasy football for the first time since Sunday?

• I see Wes Welker (Pelleys) and Tom Brady (Minick-Nargi) scoring almost 1/3 of their teams' poimts

• I see Mark "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me" Sanchez as the 10th leading scorer, yet not appearing in The Burros starting lineup as of yet. Blame that on Matt Stafford who is #4 in the BFL.  Trade bait?

• I see that the Hoggies running back Voo Doo continues in 2011 with Darren McFadden.

• I see that Payton Manning has not been cut. It will be biggest comeback since Lazarus if he returns to lead the Colts to the playoffs.

• I see dead people

Chad Ochocinco
Hines Ward

Donald Driver

Ryan Grant
Antonio Gates

  

This is a FOOTBALL game, right?

"The Raiders have the football."
"He made a great football play"
"The Colts need to get the football back."

Unless this is your first time seeing an NFL game and you came from whatever country it is where the national sport is riding around on horses and throwing a goat carcass hither and yon, then it should be obvious that the brown object at the center of the game is indeed a football. With 40 people in the broadcast both trying to get in a word edge-wise, why Bogart the talk time? Simply say "ball" instead of "football."

Crowded broadcast booths bring  mind a quote from this week's Norman Chad column.

What I don’t understand, I guess, is why ESPN needs to employ 26 — 26! — ex-NFL players and coaches to chatter, babble, jabber, yammer, blather, prattle and rattle on during its never-ending NFL gab fests.
Uh, 26?

If it were up to me, I’d just bring in Artie Donovan and call it a day.

Best I can tell, ESPN is just about the only place in America hiring right now.

Back to the football. Does a football have sides? Is there a difference between one end of the ball and the other?  Are the ends labeled  "defensive" and "offensive?" Then why, for crying out loud, do announcers keep referring to the offensive and defensive sides of the ball (or worse yet, football)?

Note to Mike Tirico and especially Scott Hanson on NFL Red Zone: When it third down according to the sideline marker, the scoreboard, and in the mind of the coaches and game officials, then why the fuck tell us that third down is UPCOMING!"  This pisses me off, especially watching as the EastSide Gas goes down in flames like the Hindenburg.

Does the name Dexter McCluster make you snicker? I need to grow up.

Gotta love Charlie Batch's play calls behind the ball. His voice is a cross between Dick the Bruiser and a large and evil alien. Scary.

"What was I thinking when . . .

I didn't draft two kickers?   (Kaeding out for the season. No waivers during first week of BFL.)

I drafted Peyton Manning despite the medical rumors.

I assumed Tom Brady wouldn't mistake Ochocinco for Randy Moss and would throw him more balls.

I figured Baltimore's defense wasn't that good and played Ben Roethlisberger anyway?

I somehow drafted LeGarrette Blount in the third round?

I didn't even consider drafting Mike Tolbert?

I forgot to play Cam Newton?

I forgot to play Steve Smith?

I felt sorry for the rookie teams.?

Going against my gut instinct, I let my fanatsy football service sway me into picking Matt Ryan?

I forgot to mute the TV when Mike Tirico was on MNF?

I laughed at the team who drafted Plaxico Burress?

 I let Cadillac Williams slip past me for 14 rounds?

2011 BFL Draft Report Card

Johnson C
Great start with Adrian Peterson, but ended with Kerry Collins. Averaging the two players' projected performance you get a B+. That's deceptive though. Kind of like Hank and Tommy Aaron's home run total as brothers. You don't have two 350 career home run hitters here. He gets a C.

Garrison D
Had Kevin been at the Sports Zone, he would have noticed that both his QBs had pink backgrounds on the draft board. 

Lux / Smith A
Great restraint shown by not picking any Bengals. Also grabbed Cadillac Williams and Colt McCoy. Terrific football names if you ask me. Then again, these are good names for  a doo-wop  group's front man and a professional bull rider, respectively.

Mink A+
Hines Ward. 'Nuff said.

Shaws A-
Had a perfect draft until they picked Randy Moss.  Most would have gone with Bret Favre.

Binkley / Pelley B-
This team is loaded with fast starters. This is by design.  When Pelley takes control he will be blamed for the late season swoon and Bink will be be free of any culpability.

Jarrett A+
Without the temptation of having a professional football team in his state, Steve is able to objectively select the best athletes.

Hill / Pelley B
I like this team. Lots of quarterbacks.

Richwine F
Check that, make it an A. At first glance it appeared he used his 6th round pick on Julius Jones.

Neal / May C
Isn't Mike Wallace, like, 85 years old?

King A
It's all about Larry Fitzgerald. Jeff snatches him up quicker than you can say Mohamed Massaquoi.

Daniels / Miller C
Romo is so good that he requires no backup.  I also do not want to know what a Harry Douglas is. (see Mark "Filthy" Sanchez)

Minick / Nargi B
Beanie Wells has a funny name.  So does BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  Roy Helu too.  Three reasons to like this team.

Pelleys B+
Fourteen players; check. All active on NFL rosters; check. Didn't pick a previously drafted player; check.  Didn't take a kicker in round 1; check.  No problem with this team.

Good luck this season.  We're all going to need it.

2011 BFL Draft Projections

1. Johnson - Adrian Peterson In keeping with the Johnson luck, Peterson will pull a hamstring scoring a 1st quarter TD in week 1. The play will be called back after official review. Peterson returns week 11, but reinjures the hammy on the first play from scrimmage.
2. Garrison  - Clinton Portis There is no substitute for experience. Who knows? Portis may be the next Marcus Allen
3. Lux / Smith - Joey Votto Shit! Don brought the wrong cheat sheet.
4. Mink - Hines Ward  Obsessed with having Ward snatched away from him in last year's draft, Mink jumps at Ward knowing that he can't be any worse than Randy Moss.
5. Binkley / Pelley - Peyton Manning The clock runs out on Steve and Denny, they panic, and pick the guy on the cover of their fantasy football magazine.
6. Hill / Pelley - Arian Foster Overheard the name during lengthy Binkley / Pelley debate over pick #5. 
7. Richwine - Tom Brady Brady's teeth are perfect. "A good bite means mucho fantasy points." - Dentistry Today Football Preview Issue -
8. Neal / May Larry Johnson Calvin Johnson Chad Johnson Andre Johnson Having a bad seat at the draft, the Neal / May pick is barely audible. After a few tries, it is finally recorded.
9. Jarrett - Larry Fitzgerald The Arizona Republic calls this the best fantasy pick of all time.
10. King - Jamal Charles After 47 straight hours of analysing the draft, King picks they guy he had initially penciled in. Immediately has second thoughts.
11. Shaws - Darren McFadden Was this pick influenced by McFadden's 38.5 points in week 14 last year? Smart money says "yes."
12. Daniels / Miller - Michael Vick Vick may turn out to be a flop, but there's plenty of good players available in the 14th round.
13. Minick / Nargi - Ray Rice Based on the first 12 picks, the new guys are glad they apparently joined a league full of chumps.
14. Pelley / Pelley - Chris Johnson Either they are gambling that Chris Johnson's holdout will not effect his 2011 season, or they drafted from a 4 month-old fantasy magazine.  Either way, Pelleys will probably win the league. Rookie teams have done well as of late.

That does it for theis week.  The BFL Report is the insider's choice for all the fantasy football rumors, gossip,  snark, smack, and pure nonsense.